How do we become the right person for marriage?
I am sure we have all had lists of things we wanted or want in a future spouse. We made lists of qualities, characteristics, and traits that we longed for and hoped for in our future mate. Perhaps we have dreamed of our "Perfect match." We surely have seen it happen in the movies and in the perfect romance novels.
Elder David A. Bednar warns youth to practice a different approach to dating, He says,
As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, "Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?" As though they have some checklist of, "I need to find someone who has these three or four, or five things." And I rather forcefully say to them, "You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you are looking for, what makes you think they would want to marry you? The "list" is not for evaluating someone else-the list is for you and what you need to become. And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become. Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. ..................You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you'll have a greater likelihood of finding that person."
What powerful and inspiring words. Growing up we were always asked in church activities to make a list of characteristics we want in our future spouse. I still have my lists. What a difference it would make if we were asked what characteristics we want to be for our spouse. I think many youth today are so focused on what they want, many are not extremely considerate of others, or very concerned of what kind of person they are becoming- for the most part. I see now why this approach is not right.
Our main focus should NOT be finding Mr or Mrs. right. Although we want to find a good person. Our primary approach needs to be us BECOMING Mr. or Ms. right ourselves!
This brings me to the topic of SOUL MATE. In a recent national survey of single young adults, 94% agreed with the statement 'When you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.'
In the Book titled, Successful Marriages and families. on page 11 it states, "While "soul mate love" may work for scripted Hollywood films or romance novels, most couples making marriage work in the real world will tell you that maintaining their relationship requires work, patience, personal growth, compromise, commitment, and sacrifice. They will tell you that marriage is definitely worth it , but that what they experience in marriage is not the type of relationship portrayed in popular culture."
President Spencer W. Kimball warned Latter Day Saints to not be led astray by the soul mate culture, he said,
"Soul mates are fiction and illusion; and while every young man and young women will seek with all diligence and prayer-fullness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."
The book Successful Marriages and Families also states, "while soul mates are found, eternal companions are chosen and made."
We have to learn from experiences together how to adapt and become a better fit for our eternal companion.. It takes work. Nothing in life comes free. To me the eternal companion concept seems better than a "soul mate" term. We learn and grow so much through this selfless experience and we are made more humble and Christlike as we struggle and grow though the ups and downs of life together.
I also think romance novels and movies have given many false impressions and hopes of unrealistic expectations. Life is just not a novel, it isn't. Life is not problem or trouble free. There will be things about your mate that get on your nerves or situations while dating that aren't exactly novel worthy.
The problems with unrealistic expectation in a marriage is that some people will begin to think they married the wrong person or their soul mate is just not the person they married and want to get out of the relationship instead of working on making their marriage better.
In his talk titled, The Right Person- President Gordon B. Hinckley talks about a good marriage he says, “A good marriage requires time. It requires effort. You have to work at it. You have to cultivate it. You have to forgive and forget. You have to be absolutely loyal one to another. Most of you will marry and have children. They will become the source of your greatest pride and happiness. …"
“All of this can come to pass if you make this most important decision, one guided by prayer as well as instinct, of choosing a dear companion who will be yours through thick and thin forever, throughout all eternity” (“Life’s Obligations,” Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2, 4).
Quotes by prophets on choosing the right companion.
“In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor.”
“You young people … have an important responsibility in choosing not only whom you will date but also whom you will marry. President Gordon B. Hinckley admonished: ‘Your chances for a happy and lasting marriage will be far greater if you will date those who are active and faithful in the Church.’” (“Four B’s for Boys,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 41.)
To the youth
“Kissing has … degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration. To kiss in casual dating is asking for trouble. What do kisses mean when given out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness?”
President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985), The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball (1982), 281.
“In dating relationships with the opposite sex, making a wrong choice early may limit making the right choice later.”
President Thomas S. Monson, “Whom Shall I Marry?” New Era, Oct 2004, 4–6.
Here is a cute story told by President Thomas S. Monson.
Here is a cute story told by President Thomas S. Monson.
A Kiss before the First Date?
The first day I saw Frances, I knew I’d found the right one. The Lord brought us together later, and I asked her to go out with me. I went to her home to call on her. She introduced me, and her father said, “‘Monson’—that’s a Swedish name, isn’t it?”
I said, “Yes.”
He said, “Good.”
Then he went into another room and brought out a picture of two missionaries with their top hats and their copies of the Book of Mormon.
“Are you related to this Monson,” he said, “Elias Monson?”
I said, “Yes, he’s my grandfather’s brother. He too was a missionary in Sweden.”
Her father wept. He wept easily. He said, “He and his companion were the missionaries who taught the gospel to my mother and my father and all of my brothers and sisters and to me.” He kissed me on the cheek. And then her mother cried, and she kissed me on the other cheek. And then I looked around for Frances. She said, “I’ll go get my coat.”
President Thomas S. Monson, “Abundantly Blessed,” Ensign, May 2008, 111.
The first day I saw Frances, I knew I’d found the right one. The Lord brought us together later, and I asked her to go out with me. I went to her home to call on her. She introduced me, and her father said, “‘Monson’—that’s a Swedish name, isn’t it?”
I said, “Yes.”
He said, “Good.”
Then he went into another room and brought out a picture of two missionaries with their top hats and their copies of the Book of Mormon.
“Are you related to this Monson,” he said, “Elias Monson?”
I said, “Yes, he’s my grandfather’s brother. He too was a missionary in Sweden.”
Her father wept. He wept easily. He said, “He and his companion were the missionaries who taught the gospel to my mother and my father and all of my brothers and sisters and to me.” He kissed me on the cheek. And then her mother cried, and she kissed me on the other cheek. And then I looked around for Frances. She said, “I’ll go get my coat.”
President Thomas S. Monson, “Abundantly Blessed,” Ensign, May 2008, 111.
Excellent talks about preparing for marriage.
BY ELDER MARVIN J. ASHTON (1915–94)
Become a Quality Person Now
BY ELDER DALLIN H. OAKS
Dating vs Hanging Out
From a Brigham Young University–Idaho devotional given on September 25, 2007.
Confidence Tests
No comments:
Post a Comment